Catharsis 0.018

My mind’s buzzing but my fingers can’t pick up the words to type. I’ve been writing then deleting repetitively hoping I can finally organise my thoughts. It’s like listening to thousands of people talking about different things and you can’t focus on one particular conversation. As I try, I miss out on the important things I need to let out.

Or just to keep it simple, I’ve lost my writing and I’m trying hard to pick it up.

My best friend always tells me that I should never engage in a deep conversation when I’m hormonal so I figured, that’s actually the best time to write: having a billion things to say but not having the right time to.

* * *

My phone buzzed again and I wanted it to be you. I needed you to talk to me. I need to know that it’s okay, that we’ll be friends no matter what. I need to hear you say that you’re not going to turn your back despite this circumstance. I type a message on my phone but I won’t hit send. I know I’ve always wanted you to free me from your possessive grips but I never wanted us to drift apart. I enjoy telling you my confusions and I adore how you speak with certainty those times when often times, you don’t.

* * *

I am tired. I’m tired of having to think through everything that’s going on. I am honestly clueless. I don’t know what I want to happen. Should I leave? Should I wait? Should I take a chance?

* * *

Rewriting:

I’m getting so confused.

  1. I should probably stop waiting for something that is most likely not going to happen. And even if it does, I know it’s just in my head that I want it back. Again, your constant jealousy and insecurity is fanning the old flames. It’s always a challenge to keep my mind quiet when it’s about you. I guess I was right after all– that I’m always gonna love you. As if you were stuck on that person I used to know.
  2. I should probably leave. I have longed to leave since day 1 knowing perfectly this was a mistake. I knew from the start that it wouldn’t last. I refused to take risks. I have told you time and again that this is not going anywhere. Despite all my efforts in pushing you away, you stayed. You stayed still hoping for a chance when all I desperately wanted was for you to stop. It would have been way easier for both of us if you decided to go back. It’s my fault however, that you saw through me. You caught a glimpse of that part which wanted you to stay. It’s the absurd part pulling us together. The only thing I want is for us to both be here. Yet apart and free.
  3. I am letting you in my life. I am waiting for the coffee to grow a bit less warm so I would know if it’s still going to burn. I don’t want to get burned. I will figure out, maybe when you get back.

For all the ambiguity—

Hello, it’s been a while.

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