Retrograde

 

Except for the many many things I want to say about the Philippine government, the decision to bury Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani, Acosta’s horrendous interview, Leni’s resignation, and Mocha Uson’s constant blunder, my mind is in an exceptionally quiet state.

For the past weeks, I have tried to recall everything I wanted to jot down but the few words faded quickly in my head. This is probably due to the amount of work I am doing (since bless the corporate souls, the last quarter of the year is such a busy time) and the lack of impetus to actually acknowledge (and perhaps overthink) my situation. I have succumbed to the quiet — hopefully nearing genuine peace since at times, I have to admit, the silence seems more empty and numbing than serene.

Last night was different though. I spent my Friday night with my PX-AEC brods and sisses — the residents when I entered the sorority. The familiar faces surrounded me but there was something different — maybe the fact that we were all working already, or the fact that we have moved on from different people in our lives.

 

Or maybe the overthinking mainly came from my conversation with Batch. We shared the same sentiments. We weren’t feeling any regrets from our past relationship. We struggled to find peace. We were sad — but it wasn’t the kind of sad that you get from missing the person. It was the conceding type of sadness that you don’t feel any resentment to the person who was once your world. It was the type of sadness because — in his words — we loved them in the abstract, and now, we don’t feel anything at all.

And we realized how it was the type of love that would be difficult to match because maybe we’ve grown already, or maybe it’s because it just is.

For the past months, I have tried to feel — to get hurt, get sad, feel loved, to love. But I keep on failing because I have been forcing it. Because I didn’t want to be numb. I wanted to stop feeling like I was just floating. I needed to feel something. I needed to feel alive.

One day, we would all eventually find the love that will stay. And it won’t be the same as the one before, but it will always be worth it.

Advertisements