Speech Lust

Hi,

It’s been a year — more than a year if we talk about when I last talked to you. Except, I guess, for the fact that I see your face in others and sometimes I wonder if that was your way of reaching out or making sure I don’t forget you. Or maybe because I just miss you and your existence.

Earlier I ate at this Japanese restaurant we hung out many years back. I remember staying at your house while playing random chords on the guitar. I remember talking. A lot of talking. And I remembered feeling guilty about knowing that I shouldn’t be where I am. But you assured me that it was okay. And you can even explain for me if needed to be.

I wanted to write for you, or maybe about you but I felt like my writing won’t do you justice especially you were the one who inspired me to write. Maybe I’ll end up writing about how I want to remember you — the smiles, the bubbly personality; the person who always pointed out how grumpy I am at times.

You taught me that it’s okay to write the crazy thoughts in your head. It’s okay to blog about it and not give a fuck about people who’d read it because it’s your own outlet. I learned to write for myself first and then for other people — for the country, actually. (We both know how interested you are in politics).

Thanks for making it seem that it’s okay to write about what saddens you, what frustrates you, what you miss, and many other things that other people should and wouldn’t care about. But mostly, thank you for making me a less judgmental human being — that what’s not okay is to judge someone for her heartaches, or for her lengthy dramatic posts online because we never knew what’s going in her head. And even without the judgment, we can still be a more sensitive person to other people’s depression.

And even if sometimes, I regret not being able to read between the lines during those times, know that you have made me more aware of other people’s sufferings. And I would never have the right to tell them it’s pathetic or to just move on from what they keep on writing about.

We all fight different difficult battles.

Yours have ended.

I hope you did find eternal peace.

* * *

Let me eternalize your own writings that inspired me to write too.

For BIRR.

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