I Don’t Usually Give Up But I’m Giving Up On Love

I usually try to be brave. I try to be hopeful. I try to be optimistic but lately reality has been challenging me, it’s been raining on my rainbows and casting a shadow over my sunshine.

I’m tired of the guessing games, the questions, the sleepless nights, the analyzing, the messages that don’t mean anything and I’m tired of putting myself out there only to get disappointed.

I’m tired of being told they just don’t care, they’re not worth it, that I deserve better.

I’m tired of falling for the ones who care less, the ones who are not serious, the ones who think I’m only good for a certain amount of time but not forever and I’m tired of falling for the ones who make me feel like it’s my fault.

I’m tired of my friends telling me to move on because they don’t think it’s right, they don’t think it will go anywhere. I’m tired of hearing that it’s a waste of time, that I should wait for the one who showers me with love and affection.

I’m tired of feeling like I need to stop being myself so I can find love, I’m tired of feeling that no one accepts me for who I am because I’m hard to love.

I’m tired of not finding love because I’m being myself.

I always tell people to try, to open up their hearts, to give it another shot, to break their own hearts but lately I feel like it shouldn’t be that hard, it shouldn’t be a war and it honestly just stopped making sense to me.

It doesn’t make sense to keep getting heartbroken when all we wanted to do was love.  That we show our best to someone so they can show us their worst. That the more we like someone, the more they ignore us. That the moment you’re ready for love, it eludes you.

It just doesn’t make sense.

And I just can’t hold on to something that doesn’t make sense anymore.

I can’t hold on to something unpredictable, annoying, painful and heartbreaking.

I can’t hold on to something that makes me doubt myself.

I can’t hold on to something I can’t find.

So maybe the only thing that makes sense is to give up. Maybe this is the only time when giving up would be the smart decision because quitting something that clearly doesn’t want you is liberating.

I’m giving up on love because it seems like love has given up on me a long time ago.

(Beautiful prose by Rania Naim)

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