I usually am into doing post mortem analyses of things be it an economic model, a math problem, or whatever. It’s what I usually do — except for unfortunate events in my life. I find it unnecessary and irrelevant to linger on to those moments. Why bother looking back in detail on what happened? I am not in the business of drowning myself further. Especially when I already know what I should have done or what should have happened from the start. I was just being completely hard headed much to my own dismay.
Tonight, however, I was unable to avoid talking about it. My friend — our friend for that matter, took the liberty of pointing out all the wrong places I went to. Like allowing him to be vulnerable to me at my own expense. Or even the fact that I never said “me” or “us”. Just “you” — be it singular or plural.
Of course he was right.
I could have manipulated the situation to my own advantage or I could have at least waited for the storm to go but I didn’t. I may or may have not forced you into a decision that I have no idea if you would regret. Thing is, it’s done. We’re done. I have no time to ponder over what I could have done right. Screw it. I could claim I can make you happy but what bullshit can it do when, despite all that you’ve said before, you wouldn’t risk it. And maybe not completely but shit, I understand. And fuck being too understanding. Fuck being too selfless. At the end of the day, I could have been happy too. But no. I decided to believe on what you deem would make you happy too and that wasn’t me so I understand.