This is me trying to brave the storm

27 June 2016

So this is how it feels. This is how it feels to have him extremely near you, for him to be within your reach. But you don’t. You don’t get to hold his hand or rub his back just to assure him that it will all be better. This is how it feels to be completely helpless in the situation because the only thing you can do is to assure him that everything will be fine – not even knowing what fine means. This is how difficult it is to make good choices, to choose right, to be the better person. This is how difficult it is to resist the course of nature.

If I’d be honest to myself (which, sadly, I’m not doing at the moment), I would have gravitated towards you. I would have told you I miss you or that it’s extremely painful to watch you from a distance. I would have told you that hearing your sighs give me a pinch in the heart or that hearing your voice croak buries me alive.

But there goes my conscience too. There goes my conscience shouting at me – that hey, I deserve this. That this isn’t even enough. That for all the many times I promised not to do what I did, I deserve this. I deserve to rot in hell, beside Satan. I deserve to be in hell’s 9th circle. I deserve all the bad things because of what I did. Because I was too selfish at first. Because I didn’t listen to my head and just went with what felt good – not necessarily what felt right.

Sometimes, I guess, we meet people to teach us lessons. As for you, I have learned to let go because it is the right thing to do. I have learned that there are people like you who would cross my path not to stay, but rather to be a storm and cause a mess. That it is for me to pick things up and clean up the mess, not to go with the wind and follow the eye. I have learned that there are people you want to keep but you can’t and you would set them free because they belong to someone else. That we don’t have a say on who we get to keep. No, I guess we could never have a say on that at all.

 

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