Taken from my private blog, written almost a year ago.
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I’m writing this here to just express how frustrated I am. No, I’m not writing to him nor for him. I’m writing for myself. For the complete idiocy of trying to care so much about one person when they can’t even recognize it, can’t appreciate it, and just hate you for continuously doing it. I’m writing to remind myself how stupid it is to love so much. I’m writing to remind myself that it’s absolutely stupid to love someone who can’t even apologize for making you feel bad. Who won’t even spare time for you just because he’s busy with someone else. I’m writing to remind myself that there’s no space for love for people who are never patient. I am writing to remind myself that it would never work out for someone like him. That after more than a year of struggling. I would eventually give up. It’s not the smoothest break up I could have but I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to make things work out. I’m tired of his lack of understanding. I’m just tired of everything. I’m exhausted. I’m drained. I can’t give anymore when I completely don’t receive anything.
If only he said “I’m sorry”, or “I’ll try my best next time”, or “I love you”. But he didn’t. And I guess I should just come at peace with the fact that we’re really not working out. That just because we aren’t physically together, we fail as a couple. I just have to concede that we weren’t meant to be. And that we’re bound to end because we’re getting tired of trying. I’d save all the gratitude when I’m no longer crashing. I’d save all the “we could have’s” and “what if’s” when I’m done crying. And I swear to You that this would be the last tears I’d shed for him. Because I’m tired.
I wouldn’t say I’m tired because I gave my all. I know I didn’t. Both of us never did. But we tried. And try is such an operative term and trying is never enough. So let me sulk, just sulk. Because I did my best in trying and it just didn’t work out. Today, I give up. Today, just as I’ve expected, it ended.
I don’t know why I had that premonition that we’d break up 15 days after our 13th month. Maybe because that’s what happened the last time. Maybe because I knew we won’t make it through.
So to all you who had high school and college sweethearts that lasted, I salute you because I have failed to make mine last. It was that good bye that ended it all. I don’t know if he’s coming back nor if I’m willing to fix this. All I know is that it hurts but probably cutting things abruptly is what’s best — a clean break. No additional bones broken — just two pieces separated. It’d be easier to heal that way.
I wanted to make it last.
But it didn’t.
I wanted to.
But I don’t have enough strength to do so anymore.
Maybe, a lot of maybe’s. Maybe I should have just taken a break.
But I didn’t.
Whatever will be, will be.
Here’s to hoping for better days.