Saturday Ramblings

3:55 AM.

My alarm woke me up this early — I checked my phone and found unread messages — thanking me for waiting for him to get home and asking if I’m busy on weekends. I didn’t reply. I just removed all the set alarms so I can have more decent sleep.

6:41 AM.

Again, I woke up. Replied to my friends messages online asking if we can go out today. I decided it was still too early since my mom said she needed me 8 AM. I still had over an hour for sleep.

9:48 AM.

My mom woke me up asking me to do her make up since she’s attending a wedding. Before getting up, I decided I’d reply to his messages though he’s probably still asleep.

10:35 AM.

I decided to call a friend because I needed to get my head straight. I told him what was going on. He just said if it makes me happy, then that’s fine. But I questioned, sometimes, things that makes you feel happy doesn’t always feel right. I told him I’ll think it through and would talk to him again on Monday, hopefully with a clearer mind.

The day went as usual — except that there was a lot of overthinking. How did it start again? We were talking about what again? Was it a random conversation about Excel? Or was it about making jokes on my past relationships? Or conversations like how I told you my ex entered a new relationship days after still trying to win me over. Or was it about you telling me about your annoyance to the MMDA traffic enforcers who were obviously just trying to get a run for your money? Or you telling me about that girl you used to date? No?

What was it? Does it even matter?

I have been questioning my sanity for the past weeks. Am I clinging? Am I getting attached? Am I having feelings? Am I ready for this? Do I even want it?

No? I don’t know?

* * *

After an hour of scrolling through facebook and twitter, I have decided that I would, for the mean time, let it be. I cannot go through confrontation without knowledge — just like how you don’t present in front of a panel if you haven’t backed yourself up with data. I guess, what I’m trying to say is, I don’t want to read between the lines. Your caring is going overboard and I know I don’t deserve it. I’m not sure if you’re just like that as a person or you’ve been going that extra mile.

But thank you.

One day, I’ll figure it out.

// I had to edit this post — let’s just say I can’t be as harsh and truthful as I want to be. I can’t hurt you. No, you’ve been too nice.

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