Breakfall

(I was checking my posts and realised that this, for some reason, is empty despite the excerpt and I honestly have no idea what I wrote here (classic case of writing to forget). So, let me just write snippets of what I remember for your entertainment (or frustration).)

My friend told me you were in a new relationship. She asked me how I felt. I was surprised (is this even the right term because clearly, there was a lack of emotion on my part) to find out you’re with someone else because let’s be real, you’ve still been reaching out earlier this year.

After a longer time of thinking, I decided that I wasn’t hurt like how she was expecting me to be. The initial shock wears off and I found myself being more rational. There’s nothing to be bothered about. After a quick glance at the girl you once swore you’d never date, I figured, “Ah well, at least they share the same beliefs now.” A longer look made me sigh. She’s head over heels. You’re not.

Yes, you exert effort. Yes, you try to do all the things you never did for me. But hey, it’s not about that. It’s not about reclaiming yourself after a breakup. It’s not about doing everything I told you a typical boyfriend does. It’s about genuinely loving someone. It’s about calling her “dear” because she means that way to you and not because you got used to calling your ex-girlfriend that same thing.

I am used to being thrown off guard, that’s the thing. The response to you is now a reflex. But it’s not about me not getting hurt or me getting surprised or me not feeling anything anymore. It’s not about how great my love was for you because we both know that’s bullshit. We’re done. We were doomed from the start anyway. It’s no longer about us. It’s just about you.

I would only be at peace if I know you are extremely happy — the type that you can’t compare to ours. Why? Because I’m not the bitter person to be angry or jealous of some new girl when I know she’s the one meant for you.

I don’t really care if she loves you less, I just hope she loves you right.

(This is far from what I originally wrote, I bet. The reason? I no longer have strong emotions to write this one out. Sigh. I hate rewriting my thoughts.)

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