This is why it didn’t work

I remember back in third grade when I was asked to go home due to conjunctivitis. Our helper picked me up and we rode a tricycle going home. It was around this time of the year — probably why I became nostalgic all of a sudden.

I remember that little me getting home and feeling at peace. The weather’s about the same — warm but not the kind that makes you feel disgustingly sticky. It’s just the right humidity for you to fall asleep. I remember home, and eating afritada, and resting my eyes. Life was so simple back then. I had no issues with anything or anyone. Probably my only problem that time was me missing my exams because of the stupid sore eyes.

The nostalgia kicks in every time the weather’s like this and I’m not preoccupied. It’s silent except for my brother’s snoring and the humming of the electric fan. I am at peace — except that my heart is racing. I try to reason out why and I figured: nostalgia scares the hell out of me.

I am scared of reminiscing. I’m scared of the fact that I can easily associate memories with places or whatever circumstance. I’m damn scared of remembering people. I’m scared of feeling sentimental when I’ve been dying to forget. I’m scared of my own thoughts.

This is why, as much as I complain about work load, I’m grateful enough that it has been a distraction. There are drawbacks of course — like feeling empty. Being drained after spending more than 12 hours in the office isn’t really how I planned to spend my Friday night. Not quite. More so, I didn’t imagine eating in that place at 11 pm for dinner.

See, Friday night triggered this emotional rollercoaster. I left the office a lot later than I intended, went to meet my dad and we drove to the airport to fetch my mom. After that, I decided to sleep and they just woke me up and there we were — about to eat at the same restaurant the three of us ate with him. It was kind of obvious how careful we were not to mention it but it still spilled there. I had to grimace and shrug it off because what’s there to do? I stared at the window and noticed someone pass. That was when I realized how easy it is to fall in love with a stranger. Both of you are coming from nothing. However, I realized that same moment too, how easy it would be to fall out too — because they are strangers and you might have fallen in love with just the surface.

You know how the song goes? “I’ve built a wall around my heart. I’ll never let it fall apart. Strangely, I wish secretly it would fall down when I’m asleep.” I’ve got to admit how accurate that is. A couple of friends have pointed out how tough I am right now and let me tell you that tough is not always synonymous to strong. I’m tough — the impermeable type of tough. I have been so guarded lately and it’s starting to upset me. Like I’ve said, it’s so easy to fall in love but I have been resisting it. Why won’t I? I’ve been through hell. I’m not crawling that hole again.

Thing is, no matter how many times I write about this, it’s not going to wear off. I know for a fact that I’ve been denying and resisting what happened in the past. Gravity tells me to just reconnect but I won’t. It’s futile to fight gravity, I know that. I also know that if I would be stupid and just follow my guts and not even think about it for a brief moment, I would have responded to your stupid messages. The only reason I won’t is because I’m saving myself. How frustrating is it to know you can love someone but not let yourself do so because you know it’s not going to work?

I want you out of my system completely. Still, you’re the reason for my writing and binge thinking. Maybe, I could blame my hormones this time. Soon, though, I know I’ll run out of cards.

I want you out of my system. Or maybe, I just want you to talk to me again so I can tell myself:

 

This is why it didn’t work.

This is why I left you too.

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