7:47 AM: It’s already almost an hour since I came here. There’s only the sound of the aircon humming and the frequent rolling of the housekeeping’s carts. Other than that, it’s a complete blank. I usually arrive with one or two people already working, but today, there’s no one yet. It’s silent except for the noisy keyboard smashing I’m doing. God, I miss this. I miss the noisy keyboard, the binge thinking, the writing. I miss having time for my thoughts — I miss having those thoughts.
Well, there are a couple of things running through my mind.
First is, I easily get tired of you. I don’t like chasing. I’m not your go-to person when it’s convenient. No. Especially not when you’re alone with your thoughts and you need a distraction. I have tried to constantly exert an effort and I do try to make it up for all those times I pretend you do not exist. The time has come for me to pull out my resources on an investment that no longer gives me returns.
1:16 PM: It’s quiet again. What else is there to expect from my department, anyway? People are always out. Besides, it’s lunch time. In a few moments (14 minutes to be exact), I’ll have to stop babbling again and attend a meeting. See, this has been my life. I scavenge for time to write about my almost obliterated thoughts of people.
10:01 PM: It’s a new day today. I didn’t have the time to finish rambling last night. Neither did I want to prioritize writing today — not when I had the weirdest dreams. I woke up before I was able to say my piece. I no longer overthink why you showed up on my dreams last night. I know better than to think that one bit of it was true. No, it was just a conversation I had with a friend. I have learned that asleep or awake, I have no intentions of going back.
10:04 PM: The irony of writing things I couldn’t and didn’t want to write:
You sat beside me — your usual spot. You reminded me of Sunday, and of two other dates and all I said was “I’m not yet sure. I’d think about it.” I didn’t want to commit. I wanted to play safe. I knew this was a game of cowardice but it was the only way to not trudge the same road. You frowned on my answer and asked me to assure you I’ll show up. Well, I won’t.
There you are again. I wonder if you can feel my stare behind the glass? You can’t see me nor can I see you. I moved my chair so I can see you and you smiled at me and I had this sudden urge to hold your hand. I shouldn’t. I won’t let myself.
We were laughing. Well, that was what I thought. You suddenly said “you always laugh when you talk to me” and I just answered you with “cause you’re funny”. It was the worst answer I could give but what do I say? That you make me smile? That I like having you around despite my constant showcase of nonchalance?
I heard that you were leaving. I didn’t stay to hear when. All I knew was I was right to keep my guards high. It’d be easy to say goodbye.