It’s difficult to write when you’re absolutely happy. The happiness makes your thoughts so incoherent and all you can focus on is the feeling. No words would do your emotions justice. That’s how it is with me right now. But still, let me try.
Perhaps one of the happiest and most glorious feeling a person could have is getting healed. After months and months of waiting, when you prove to yourself that you have healed completely, you will be happy. When you try to run after having your leg broken, or when you look at your knee and see that the scab’s completely gone, you’ll be happy. It took you days, weeks, or maybe months to heal. But there you are, completely healed. You are invincible. When you’re finally fully okay, no one can hurt you. You know how to take care of yourself, of your heart. You know how to avoid what can cause you pain. You now know how to prevent, not just cure.
I am happy. I am absolutely and genuinely happy. For so long, I have prayed hard for this kind of healing. For months, I fought and still found holes. But today, I am whole and complete. It’s a nice thing I could start 2016 with a clean slate. I’m not really the person to tell you about happiness in general but let me tell you about mine:
I used to cry a lot. I used to grieve. I was sad because I was broken and couldn’t bring myself to stand up. That’s how it usually is, anyway. You break your bones, you can’t move your legs. It’s painful. If it’s too much, you cry. Eventually, I ran out of tears. It hurts still, but I stopped crying. You get to accept things that hurt but that doesn’t make it okay. It could hurt but not as much now.
You’d start looking for medication in whatever form you could find. You’d look for a support, a cast, or probably a rebound. You’d look for the healthiest soul around that could carry you.
You will have relapses, but you’d no longer cry. Instead, you’d get angry or bitter. You’d hate the things and the people that you think caused you pain. Maybe you’d blame the world for your pain, maybe you’d blame yourself. It’s just a phase. It will pass. You’d cool down, and then you’d feel numb. And when you’re numb, you’d start to not care. You would lose your interest on what happened. By now, you’re so used to the scenario and you’re just waiting for it too all be over. Let bygones be bygones. They’re all blasé. Indifference is key. At this point, you’re getting back on track. The old you.You’re starting to get healed. You can now laugh, smile, run. You can, but you don’t. Maybe you stopped running because you’re scared it might break your leg again. Or maybe you stopped falling in love because you’re scared it will break your heart again.
You avoid every thing that can cause you pain. You’re extremely careful now because you’ve felt how it was. But you’re smarter. Know that you’re smarter now because of what happened. Fear is the last hurdle to overcome. Being afraid means you’ve probably already healed. You’re not sure if you are. You’re too scared to try.
Here’s the tricky part. You wait and wait until you think you’re ready. I can’t tell you how you’d know you are. You just will be. When you finally put yourself out there, when you’ve exposed yourself once again to the things that caused you pain and it didn’t hurt, that’s when you will know for sure.
I hope you find genuine peace and happiness too. Happy holidays!