One day, you’ll wake up and you’ve forgotten about it — about him. You’ll wake up one day, no longer crying or thinking about him and his good morning messages that used to greet you. You’d wake up one day, free from nightmares. You’d wake up one day and I assure you, you’ll be happy.
I’ve spent so many days and entries on being sad. I’ve been in two toxic relationships for three years straight and I guess it was also my fault for not taking a break. Let me tell you, however, that you don’t have to regret any unhealthy relationships that you’ve had’ll have. They made you to the person you are today. When people say “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, believe them. It takes time for your heart to be strong. After a lot of heartbreaks, you’d learn that not all problems should and would ache that much. You’d learn to give up and let go of being sad because it’s just not worth it. One day, you’d wake up and you’d realize that there’s so much more to a relationship than getting hurt and settling for something you really don’t deserve. One day, you’d wake up strong enough to leave what hurts you despite the overflowing love you have for him. Because one day, you’d realize that you should love yourself too.
I kept tossing on my bed last night, trying to fall asleep. It’s funny how genuinely happy I was last night when all I did was study vector autoregressive models. It was funny because my day was extremely plain and uneventful yet I was happy. So before letting sleepiness seep through my veins, I tried to recall: when was that first time that I was smiling again? When was the first time that I didn’t have to force happiness out of myself? Was it two days ago when we celebrated our sorority’s lady governor’s birthday? Was it last Friday the thirteenth when I got extremely drunk in Drews? Was it that time when I saw this cute guy who happened to be my sis’ best friend? I don’t recall. I just remember waking up today, looking forward to nothing in particular, and just being genuinely happy. I don’t know how I forgot, how I got healed, or how I tried to forgive but I did.
And all I had to do was to let go. For the past months, I got to let go a lot of things: my relationship that made me extremely unhappy, the pressure to achieve something, and potential new relationships that I must have just entertained for the sake of doing so, among others. I realized that things would happen at their own time and that I don’t have to force them. That for me to enjoy my life, I have to go with the tides and not swim against the current. I realized that worrying over the uncertain would just dampen my mood and instead, I should focus on the things I’m in control of. I realized that I should learn to be happy on my own first — not to depend my happiness over someone or something. I figured that I don’t have to settle for less and that I’m worth it. I figured that sometimes, the people we love most makes us feel ugly over our own skin and when that happens, leave them. You don’t have to drown yourself on negativity brought upon by someone else’s presence in your life.
Stop thinking about what others would think of you. As one of my favorite songs goes, you are what you love, not who loves you. You’d get exhausted trying to put up an image, faking it every time just to please others. If you’re at your best and they can’t stand you, stop giving fucks. Stop trying to make others notice you. Stop all your silly games. You’re fine.
Know that after a while, you’d learn that you don’t need saving. You can save yourself. You are strong enough to walk away, to turn your back, to make mistakes, and not regret anything. You’d learn that people come and go and that’s part of life. Nothing’s permanent. As pessimistic as it sounds, stop trying to imagine your future and happiness with someone else. Savor the moment and just go with the flow. Bad things are bound to happen to teach you a lesson and good things will make up for all those bad times. You don’t need someone else to be happy. You are perfect, whole, and complete. You are yours before you are anyone else’s.
I know how difficult it could get — all those crying and wanting to self-destruct. There would really be moments that you would break down and would just want to shut down. That you’d want to give up on life because it sucks. That you’d rather sleep all day because reality’s such a nightmare already. Those moments are inevitable but they would toughen you. They will pass. It gets better. I promise you, it really does. I don’t know how or when it will happen to you but I assure you, life will find a way to smoothen it out. You’ll be fine. Just don’t give up.