Invictus

I take the last sip of the overpriced coffee I ordered. It wasn’t as bad — just extremely rich so I had to wait for the ice to melt. I used to drink coffee a lot (a minimum of 4 cups per day when I was what, 15?) but right now, it’s just a necessity as I leech on the wifi of this small café. The caffeine makes my head spin.

I try to justify my writing once again. I try to shut the voice in my head, screaming all the other things I have to prioritize. But, as always, I succumb to my therapy. I have approximately 24 minutes before I leave this coffee shop. I don’t even know why I wanted to write. I don’t know what it is with coffee shops and blogging, to be honest. I’m reminded of the countless times I sat, listening to some music, drinking some cold drink despite the fact that I’m already freezing, and then finding my fingers typing when there really isn’t anything to write about. I’d come up with something, of course.

Like how, right now, I’m trying not to drown myself in all the pressure I created for myself. I try my best to remind myself that things aren’t as bad as they seem. Sure, there are a lot of things getting out of hand, some out of reach and I have no idea how to deal with them. But then again, there are things I can control. Or more like, things I should control. I need to get a grip, steer my own life and stop waiting for life to unknot itself before me. No one’s going to fix my life for me. There’s only me and the universe. I am the captain of my soul. I am the master of my fate.

How I wish things were easy. But they’re not. Every day is a struggle. I know, I’ve been slacking off on fixing my life for the past days. Perhaps, it’s the fact that I have been in shock over a friend’s death. Her death brought a lot of things to think about. For example, how temporary everything is. I probably have said this before but when a friend dies — someone your age, you’d realize how nothing really lasts. How sometimes, you’d get that feeling to just do everything you want, not need. To make the most out of your life at the moment, disregarding the necessities.

There are times when I wish I’m where I want to be. There are times when I’m indifferent about where I am right now. But never was I contented. The desire is the eternal struggle. Well, it would not be desire if I was contented anyway. Life struggles are inevitable, I have to remind myself that.

I have no idea where the waves would take me. I’m not steering the ship, just letting the tides bring me wherever. That’s my mistake. I need to take the wheel, go against the tides if necessary. I have to go somewhere though I don’t know where that somewhere is. I just need to go on and be in control again. I need to be in a constant state of departure yet I need to get to arrive at my destination. Eternally changing directions. Steering the wheel as long as I could.

But how do I start?

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