I never thought there’d come a night that I’d cry myself to sleep again. Who would have thought I would have that lurching feeling in my stomach as I scroll down my feeds online. Who would have imagined I would be writing again about a loss of someone who influenced me to write in the first place?

I tried to understand what happened. As expected, I found myself asking a lot of questions — mostly why’s. I’ve been wondering what happened? What were your last thoughts? Wasn’t there another way? Was peace so difficult to find that you decided to take the deepest slumber?

I want to understand why. But just like what you said, sometimes, we have to stop asking why and just let it go. Accept the fact that life’s a bitch and there’s nothing we could do. However, it’s not easy.

Death, even though such a painful lesson, is beautiful. Finally, you come home. Finally, you rest. Finally, you can find eternal peace. What stains the beauty however is the fact that you left unhappy. Or were you? Were you finally happy that you could take the longest beauty rest? I would never know. We would never know because you left without goodbye.

I have never been the person to be afraid of ghosts. It’s probably because every person I loved that passed away lived such beautiful lives — at least in my eyes. I may not have been aware of your battles, but I was aware of your strength. For you to still have the most beautiful smiles, the funniest lines whenever you have to do public speaking in our debate tournaments, for you to joke about almost everything — you were strong. And I? A fool.

You are nothing short of beautiful

But past your beauty lies a smile

That has turned me into a fool

For it masked the sadness I failed to reconcile

Just as flowers in the garden, we pick the most beautiful ones first. You were the most beautiful, perhaps that’s why He took you ahead. In our memories, you would still be beautiful. You are perfect. Good night, dear.