Numb

(Taken from my private blog)

Tonight, I will write what’s left of me. I will write until there’s nothing left. I will write until I have nothing else to say. I will write until I’m either dead numb or therapeutically healed. I will write until there is nothing else to write.

Today, I felt nothing. Other than crying out the fever and chills, the shivering cold amidst the heat, the extremely nauseous feeling and severe headache, and the sudden nosebleed, I found myself not being able to cry because of the emptiness. It was the type of emptiness that didn’t feel as heavy. I was empty and I felt nothing.

Tonight, I will yet again force myself to say something, to care, to feel again.

Today, I asked you something. And today, you rejected. Just like all the other times before I asked something from you. And so today you told me no. Today, as with all the other days, you said no. You said no to a small demand just like how you always have. Today, as with everyday, you decided to be selfish.

And so tonight, as with today, I decided not to care. I decided that maybe I should give myself my own space. That maybe today, I don’t need to settle for something just because someone was being selfish. Today, I decided to be okay with whatever there is in life. And today, I decided not to talk to you because I won’t be getting anything. Because as hard as I’ve tried to set my pride aside, as hard as I tried to be open and vulnerable, my efforts went to waste. My efforts of not getting mad, of not getting pissed off, of not bitching out, of not cursing, of not being mean. Everything went unnoticed. And so today I decided to no longer argue. Today I decided to just cut the communication because let’s face it, you’re not going to be selfless enough. Because let’s face it, you can’t love me enough. And let’s face it, you’re just not the person you said you were.

So today, we fight over another petty thing and we let it ruin us. Because of your pride, and now mine as well. Because I’m no longer compromising and you will never give way. Because you take it against me for demanding and for you not demanding.

And so tonight, I’d let it end with no conversation. And tonight, I will gather all the space I could because I won’t reach out. I’ll show that pride just as how you demonstrated. Tonight, I’d take a break from your selfishness and be selfish on my own. Because tonight, I’m no longer settling for something less than I deserve.

So tomorrow, I’d let this space grow and hopefully learn to not care. And maybe tomorrow I won’t care. Maybe tomorrow, I’d learn to love without caring. Yet I hope that tomorrow, I will not forget how to love.

I hope tomorrow, I still love you more than I love myself.

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