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As everyone else, no matter how sharp your memory is now, we grew up barely remembering who we were as a little kid. The most we hear are stories, see pictures, or if you’re lucky, watch videos of yourself running around in your diapers, or in my case, putting icing on my parents’ faces as I turned a year old.

I have never been what you can call religious. I pray when I remember, most of the times to thank Him, or ask forgiveness, or to ask for something in general. But I tend to forget to pray to worship. I used to question the existence of a divine being, and finally settling down that there is one, started hating my life for what it turned out — asking Him again and again, “Why?”

I never have paid attention to the cliche “Everything happens for a reason.” As much as I ask the question “Why?” countless times, I never bothered reflecting on the answers. I just end up asking and ranting, rejecting what is present. I often refuse to accept my own little misfortunes in life. I was this stubborn creature believing life shouldn’t be as cruel as I’ve experienced it to be.

I acknowledge the fact that I’ve been complaining non-stop about life, but lately, I like to believe that I somehow got to piece it all up. Somehow. Somehow.

My parents weren’t married in a church that’s why I ended up studying in St. Theresa’s College. They said it was the only school they could find that would accept the fact that they swore in front of a judge and not a priest. There, I grew and learned more than the knowledge that helped me pass UPCAT. I learned about my own sexuality and got a glimpse of the harsh reality.

For more than 19 years, I’ve been happy with my family — contented (or maybe even more) for all the goodness therein. Maybe a few misunderstandings, but it was really a happy and peaceful family. My life was pretty awesome. Not much problems. Well, not yet.

Sixth grade, I was first confronted about my sexuality. After all, my school was an all-girls and well, I grew up aware that girls could fall for girls. And it’s not a disease or something wrong or whatever negative connotation society dictates. It was norm in my school. I grew up in such environment and understood that not everybody accepts this. But through such, I learned how to forget what other people say. I learned to be happy with my decisions.

Sometime too, back in high school, I fell in love with debate and the (or a particular person?) community. He made me fall in love with economics as early as second year, without me even fully understanding what economics was. Similar to inception, the idea of taking economics in college was planted in my mind already. I loved math and biology and debate but I ended up wanting to take economics. All because of a single guy I don’t even care about now.

So it happened. I did took up economics. I had many reasons (excuses) to tell you, but truth be told, I let that idea he left consume me. I’m good at high school economics, sure. But I’m brilliant in math, or in biology, or in social studies. I was pretty much well-rounded. I knew I can adapt to whatever track I choose. But I chose economics, just because of that.

A lot of times, regret haunts me. Especially back in my first five semesters in UP when I can’t even comprehend every lesson. I maintained a relatively high GWA — all because of the math and social science courses I took; it was never because of my econ grades. A lot of times, I felt like I want to shift to somewhere else, perhaps pursue my dream of becoming a doctor or just let myself fall completely for mathematics. I could take up engineering or math. Whichever would suit me, I suppose. However, I felt like I’ve invested a lot of time already in my track for me to give it up. So I didn’t. 

Econ brought me to my college org. There I met people who pieced me up, who made me vulnerable, who stitched me back together, etc. There, I met a friend who made me fell in love with Judo. And in Judo, I met someone I would never wish to meet again — someone who broke me and allowed me to be pieced back together by someone else.

After my five semesters of dragging my way through the program, I learned econometrics. It was the game changer. It made me see economics in a whole different perspective. After that, I had a reason to pursue what I started.

Through my organization, my creative skills were honed. Through such, I chanced upon an orgmate needing help — a head in another organization which I entered upon his offer. There, I worked under someone I never really have met before but I’m glad I did. She recruited me to the sorority I am in now, and I can’t be any happier how “bad” decisions gave me something good. In that sorority, I met my boyfriend. And well, I can’t be more grateful.

What precise timing. Recently, I’ve been having a lot of breakdowns due to family problems I never had before. Luckily, I have that guy who’s deeply attached to his own family. He’s the one helping me through all the mess. Finally, the storm has passed.

I guess, He does work in wonders after all.

Thank You. Praise You. :)

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