Run

It has been almost nine months since we started going out. As how all relationships blossomed, we enjoyed the start — we love being in love. Who doesn’t, anyway? Who would refuse sincere concern when we’ve all been tired being alone? A lot of times, we spend and invest on people who we think have a chance to make us happy. Oftentimes however, we get stuck in limbo and just play along until one of us becomes brave enough to ask the right questions, perhaps to level things up or to completely collapse the bridge that was built.

My mind used to wander in what you’ll call the wrong places. In a serious relationship, the idea of breaking up should have been ruled out. The idea of one cheating should never even exist. But I’ve always lacked trust. And I know, now, you know why.

I have promised you, again and again, that no matter what happens, as long as it doesn’t break me completely, I’ll handle it. Maybe it’s one of those cheesy things couples tell each other that we often miss out. Maybe I was right after all, that romance gets to say all the right things but does nothing in accordance to what was brought up. Maybe I’m giving myself excuses to stay and leave. Maybe, maybe love, again, wasn’t enough.

As I spent another cold night wrapped in my comforter (that oddly doesn’t bring me comfort) and hugging what was, at that moment, a pillow flooded with tears, I realized, I acknowledge, that there were a lot of times in my life that I wished to have let you go. I reckon it won’t be easy. However, I felt it was somehow necessary.

You know me. I want to leave an impact — make a change. I never left a serious relationship without being able to make a difference. I’ve always thought that relationships should help you grow. From each relationship, no matter how it ended up, no matter who was in it, you’ll learn something. Lucky you if those lessons come in handy the next time you get into a new one. What matters more, however, is the fact that you grew.

The reasons why, as we agreed to put it, my mind wandered in the wrong direction are such: I want to be alleviated from all these heartaches. Perhaps, again, for selfish reasons that I would want to let you go. I’d want my freedom, not to explore new options but to learn. I want to know how far I can go again without being tied to. I want YOU to learn all the lessons I can teach in the course of our relationship. And then get back. Get back with you as if we never met. But you’re now changed. Changed by me, hopefully, all the learning I wished to part with you already learnt.

However, I’m still here, not taking the risk of setting us free. I guess I was never brave enough to even ask “What if we never come back?” I won’t even risk it. I’d explore how far I run, tied. At least, maybe, hopefully, if I fall down, I’d have you to help me get back up.

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