I’ve been ignoring this blog for a month now. That means, I’ve been emotionally stable for a month.
Oh come on, who am I kidding? I channeled my thoughts through art and music and a few other written works not meant for anyone else other than him. However, some thoughts are just not appropriate for that compilation.
Today, I refused to go out of my comfort zone. It wasn’t even comforting in the first place, to be honest. It was a cave — my own cave. It was my escape from reality. I refused to go out and be confronted. Today, I allowed myself to be surrounded by paint, tears, and blood.
I refused to go out because I didn’t want to hear questions. I know I can opt not to answer them but I can’t bear to hear them.
As always, nightmares wake us up from reality. I knew what it was without her telling me. After all, he was predictable.
I want to understand. It was an effort and I recognized it. However, it wasn’t really effort to begin with. Anyone could have done it anyway. It’s like giving your friend a bar of chocolate when you can get as much as you can because they’re actually free. She’d probably think it was special but it really wasn’t. It’s like getting invited to join an organization, telling you how special you are, and then realizing on the latter that they told the same thing to many others. It wasn’t special. Not much effort. But we can’t just reject blessings, no matter how ordinary they are. Who are we to demand more than that anyway?
The thing is, we never get a full grasp of the chances we have until they’re gone — or worse, ruined. Again, I can’t understand why you’d ruin something beautiful just because you were rejected. When you apply for a position and they rejected you, would you burn the building down? No, right? Because you respect them.
I can’t demand respect. No one can. Respect is given to deserving ones, right?
Do you, then, respect me?
I was what you ruined.
You destroyed me, just as the year started.
And you destroyed me again, a million times over.