Bottoms Up

I’m not sure if you’d read this or even dare to click it because you want some space. I’m giving that to you, for the briefest of times which for some odd reason, feels like years.

I had a clue but I also had my hopes. I hoped that my hunch was wrong — well, I was wrong. I was mistaken to have hoped for that. I knew what was wrong but I’m still in denial.

Acceptance.

Lol, I badly want to talk to you now. You’re getting me wrong. But you don’t want to talk to me so okay, fine. Space.

How does it work? Moving on?

My dear, when I tell you that I’d teach you to move on, I’d be teaching you acceptance. In general. Not just from us. Not just from the stupid things I did.

I want you to be happy. And if I — or my actions for that matter — am causing you pain, there are only two things I could do: 1) leave or give you space and let you heal on your own or 2) tell you how to move on in general. So of course I’d go with number 2.

Again, I want you to be happy. Genuinely happy. Forgiveness is also forgetting. Not forgetting the event per se but the pain you’re experiencing. When I almost lost you, I got to get over it by accepting — accepting what I did, accepting its repercussions, accepting everything that goes with it — including the possibility of not being with you anymore. That was the hardest. I still had my hopes but I prepared myself for the worst.

Now how do you get to accept things? You have to acknowledge your faults, my faults, the fact that it already happened. And you have to complete yourself. By completion, I mean tell. Tell everything that’s on your mind. Tell everything you feel. Do that until you’ve vomited every word, every thought. Do that until you lose all the words to say. Do that until you realize that you have nothing left to say.

Every time you get reminded of it — by a picture, a song, a story — I feel your pain. I feel you become more distant. I feel you colder. I’m pretty sure we all had painful experiences. Take mine for example. You know my story. You even pitied me when I told you I need none of that. It’s because I got to accept the shit that occurred in my life. I got to forgive him. How was I able to accept that? It wasn’t easy. I acknowledged the fact, however, that at some point, it was my fault. Of course, I wouldn’t go have that victim’s mindset. I just had to accept that sometimes, I did things to provoke him. What I did didn’t make his actions right, though. But I needed to accept every detail that goes with what hurt me. I got to accept that he really does that and that I’ve used all efforts to try to change him. I’ve voiced out every thought of disgust on what he did.

My dear, I want you to do the same. I feel like you’re still holding some thoughts in your head. Or you haven’t emphasized it completely enough to me. I feel like you still have a lot to say. I’ll listen. I’ll listen even if what you have to say hurts me as well. I’d listen even if you think you’re just repeating yourself. I’d listen until you have nothing else to say. I’d listen until you learn acceptance.

I’d listen until you finish it all, bottoms up. :)

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