I was contemplating on whether or not I should repeat the monthly evaluation of the year that’s about to end. I was thinking not doing so would probably lead me to missing the small details. I’d probably end up skipping the first half of the year as my memory now of 2013 is dominated by what was left.
I’d be lying if I’d say I forgot how I started the year. I remember clearly. Other than the usual noise and pigging out, of course we remember the people. It would be really unfair if I say I’ve forgotten him and how he was part of my year. I haven’t. My mind, yet again, remembers even the most unnecessary things.
I’m not sure which I should write and which to just keep in my head. I guess I’d end up writing everything again. Reminiscing even the painful events that occurred.
A few days after 2013 started, we got together… officially. I saw no difference on how we were, except maybe for the commitment., the label. But we were acting as if we were together before anyway. You were always there. I was grateful, comfortable, on how everything was going. Things were never routinary for the two of us. It amazed me how much you had to say, how many stories you can tell without boring me out. Maybe that’s why I enjoyed your company. Other than that, you were also a big help in my academics. You did your best to not be a disturbance. You accompanied me instead when I study, even if I completely ignore your presence when I get burnt out.
I remember how I ended my second year in college. I was frustrated with my grades. I thought I’d reach my goal but I ended up not doing so. It came off a surprise. But after seeing the grade distribution, I guess I have to live with that. It was a better semester than the previous one anyway.
February and March were usual. We fought every now and then. I gave up easily on you, attempting to break up for countless times. I realized how I was just waiting for you to be the one to willingly let go seeing that I can’t get myself off from your grips. Figuratively and sadly, literally. We had a lot of issues and the fact that I entered the relationship out of convenience and just because I grew accustomed to your company did not help.
We got to fix ourselves. I gave you a number of chances to prove yourself. Again, I had you stay because of convenience. I’m sorry, we both suffered because of that.
Summer classes started. I wouldn’t say I got back on track because I know I didn’t work hard for my subjects (Fil 40 and Math 53. Especially Math 53 haha). I deserved my grades but it was quite effortless. I love calculus anyway. I don’t remember having a hard time in class. I enjoyed summer classes because I didn’t have to exert much effort.
You were still there. Despite the fact that I hated you already, you were still there. I never understood why you never left. Love? Lol. Maybe. But whatever, I didn’t care. I wanted you out of my life and if you wanted to stay, I’d keep you as long as you were beneficial. But you kept on being an ass and I wanted to get rid of you asap. Obviously, I wasn’t successful since you stayed in my life a couple of months more.
Before I move on to my third year in college, I’d just have to point out the lack of my activity in my organization. Again, I was burnt out the semester before and so I didn’t want any org responsibility. Which I’m sort of regretting but I’m living with it.
So okay, on with my third year. Come to think of it, I’m more than halfway through with my college life and the thought of it’s just overwhelming. Third year, first semester was really challenging. I’m not sure what I was thinking, taking 10 units of econ and 8 units of math. I have no idea how I survived to be honest. Despite the tough subjects, I guess this was the semester that taught me to appreciate economics (and maybe hate math… or the professors. Jk). I have no idea how to write this without sounding like a dork so let me just put it this way: I love econometrics — the first time I fully appreciated an econ subject. Like I really really love econometrics. I love Econ 131 just like how I love Math 53. Or Math 100. Or Math 102.
I’d fast forward to how my academic semester ended: it was horrible. My lowest GWA so far. But I got to accept it. Why? Because 1) I learned to love economics and I really learned a lot from Econ 131; 2) my Math 54 professor was a terror prof so I guess I can use that to justify my grade (really, I don’t even get why I got that grade but so be it, I’m done with the course anyway); 3) I TOOK FRICKING MATH 162 I DON’T EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS; 4) I had two other econ electives — both I appreciated even if the other was quite awful. Or rather the manner it was taught. I mean what you study in class is purely theoretical and you’d end up doing all the math for your probsets and exams. How does that even work huh; and 5) I had quite a number of extra curricular activities as well.
After my supposed rest in Ecosoc, I decided to take up two responsibilities. My being clg to pub work lead me to working for Musikapella again — the unending job of being in Creatives. Then there’s also NYC 10 (National Youth Congress) where, for some reason, I decided to apply for Sales & Finance AD — and got the job. I wasn’t really after the work but those two events are dear to me. Since freshman, I was part of Musikapella (as a volunteer) and NYC (as an intern) and I love the fulfillment you get out of it. So, despite the gravity of academic work, I still pushed through with my org work. Probably, due to the amount of work (both academic and organizational (and later on sorority)) that I forgot my other responsibility in Ecosoc. I ended up being on probation which I have to fix before my third year ends.
Sometime in June, I received a message that I dare say changed my life. I was invited to join in the sorority I’m completely in loved with now. Against my then-boyfriend’s judgment (which turned the other way around after), I pushed through with the process. After going home late and tired a number of times, after being left alone to finish what was started, I made it. I wouldn’t go through the details anymore but it definitely made to one of the best moments in my life. Come to think of it, I couldn’t imagine college life without them (even if I’ve known them for just five months).
I learned a lot of things. More than learning the cardinal virtues, I got to know myself. I met a family that I know would never turn their backs on me. I came to realize that I didn’t have to cling to one specific person. There are people who’d listen to my random stories, who’d care about me, who’d accept all the crazy things I do in life. After all, they’re my sisters. They’re family. I got my strength from them — including strength to leave that one person I used to cling to. I realized that convenience wasn’t a good reason for me to stay. I left him without proper words but I guess he should have known that I was falling out. I got to clear it out with him anyway (or at least for me it was cleared up).
It was around August when we started falling apart (Well, not just August. That was however, the most drastic of all falling apart). I was already part of the sorority that time and that’s when I figured I’m stable enough and that I don’t need a guy. And that was true enough. I started being carefree — too carefree I started fooling around.
I dated a couple of guys, went to parties, stayed up late in school just to chill. I became close to a particular person and well, he taught me not to assume even if you have all the reasons to do so. He taught me that sometimes, you just have fun and not worry about how things will end up. (Which wasn’t really a good thing but he taught me how to be mindful of my present. And I learned that I care a lot about the future that’s why it didn’t work out completely fine). He taught me to not mind what other people think. And I learned how to play along. I ended my semester that way.
The semestral break was, I guess the turning point. I became closer (or should I say clingier?) to my brods and sisses. After the PX-AEC plansem, I appreciated them more. Going to Ecosoc plansem after, I confirmed to myself that I was indeed playing a long with him. A few days after, I got bored. And that boredom led from one thing to another. I found myself talking a lot to someone else.
It was supposed to be just another of those relationships. He, however, ended up being too close for comfort. It scared me, thinking how we might get attached then fall apart. I couldn’t afford awkwardness. Just no.
October ended with a realization. What scared me was already a reality. I just have to learn how to deal with it or I might get another one of those come-and-go relationships.
Second semester started. After so much promises of fixing my academic life, it became quite difficult to handle. I had too many distractions and I was prioritizing short-term satisfaction. I realized too late how I’d regret this. Hence, I’m aiming for a new lifestyle for 2014. Hopefully, everything turns out fine.
As for my org life.. Well, I wanted change. I took up a responsibility hoping it would put my feet back to my first family in the university. As of now, I’m still working on that. Or I guess I have to put a little more effort for me to get back on track.
I’m relatively happy now (despite the frustration in my academics which I badly have to fix). And I’m glad I could end this year with a smile. There are just a lot of things to be thankful for.
To Ecosoc, for giving me the opportunity to serve;
To PX-AEC, for being the best family one could ask for;
To my (biological) family, for staying together despite what we went through;
To my classmates whom I struggled together with for my academic endeavors;
To you, for staying, for not letting go even when I lost my grip, for being patient when I turn moody, for being there for me all the time;
And to You, for giving me another year full of learning.
I do have a lot to be thankful for.
From the simple things like being alive even after getting hit by a van, or for getting through regionals in JPES Quiz Bee, to learning how to let go, and to meeting new friends, enjoying cheerdance practices, to having a family, to learning that people come and go, and that some people would never change, and that some change for the better.
Thank you, 2013. You gave me so much to remember.