Retrograde: In Retrospect

Just because of all the feels I can’t contain. Hahaha.

* * *

Everything’s just so surreal.

It has been exactly 721 days.

I was this blockless freshie who became clingy to my coursemates in a Math 17 class full of Engineering students. My breaks were spent resting or eating out with my high school friends. Sure, I was included in a block but how would I be able to create friendship with people who were never my classmates (I had a different Econ 11 and Math 17 schedule).

After a few weeks in school, a classmate, in passing, told us to join the org she’s applying for. I was applying for a different org that time, though. I realized however how I wasn’t in to debating already. I lost my passion.

It was right after an Econ 11 exam that I decided to defer. That same day, I told myself, I’ll join EcoSoc instead. And so I did. Late app, but who cares. I’m in.

Fast forward. October 15, 2011. Induction Ball.

Yes, we’re finally members!

Forward a few more scenes. I became active in the org. I felt like I have a lot to give so I signed up for Pub D/AD that second semester, right after being admitted in. Our event didn’t push through though. I wanted that work so came another semester, I signed up for Musikapella Creatives Director.

I got the position. Lucky.

From having really good grades, my GWA dropped. Around 0.6 lower than my previous sem. It was devastating. I knew it was my fault. I stopped caring about my acads. I kept on cutting classes. I opened Photoshop or After Effects instead of books. I kept working, thinking, there’s more fulfillment in this than getting high grades.

I was wrong.

I never enjoyed that semester. I hated how stressed I became. I hated how I never cared about my academics anymore. It felt like I stopped being a student. I went to school for org work and meetings instead of classes. I got sick because I had to pull consecutive all nighters. I hated that semester.

I hated Ecosoc.

Or at least I claimed.

But recently, a friend pointed it out, I never left. I’m still here, watching, despite being “inactive”. I never left because I still cared about how things are going. I never left because I still go there, enjoy the company of my orgmates. I still love that org I’ve been cursing. I was just tired. Really really tired.

And it sucks how it feels like I lost my passion for the org I once gave everything for. It sucks because I know, I could have been more active. I could have served instead. I could have loved it again. I could have given back.

But I didn’t.

721 days. I’ve been a member of this great organization for 721 days. And I guess I’ll be watching for a number of days more as my app batchmates take the lead of this organization I fell in and out of love with. :)

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