Wordspill: Clueless

So I have no idea how I’m going to write this without you getting offended of anything.

See, I’m still considering your feelings even though you think I’m selfish most of the time. Actually, I have no idea why I’m still considering your feelings. Is it just because I don’t like to hurt anyone or is it that I just don’t want to hurt you? You see, you’ve been a big part of my life despite the ups and downs and I just can’t throw that all away. I loved you for moments despite the fact that you claim you never felt it haha. So you know, I have such bipolar feelings towards you and I don’t know what to do now.

See, the problem is that I have feelings for you (I wouldn’t say I still love you because I have no idea what those feelings are anymore. Probably also attachment? That lingering attachment? I don’t know, okay) and that  you’re not enough. Well you are, but you’re not the best and you hurt me and I don’t know if you’re gonna change. Because there are others out there who’s willing to be the best. And I don’t know what you’d make of it if I go test the waters for everyone and then resort back to the best, assuming he’s still there. Really, that’s the best thing for me to do but I don’t know if you’d agree. But what do I care if you don’t?

I shouldn’t care, really. But I do. Because like I said, I don’t like hurting you. But the act of liking someone else hurts even if you do approve. I’m sorry. But you turned out to be an ass and I don’t know if I can take that. You had enough of  hurting me even if you claimed that that wasn’t being physically violent. I had enough of that as well.

So I’m sorry I’m still lingering. I got used to you being there. That’s it. Maybe I’m still giving you a chance but it’s just that I can’t afford to lose you completely. Maybe not until I’ve settled down. And I know it’s unfair but that’s just how it goes.

Because you should know I’m starting to get attached to him as well. And I’m a selfish bitch for wanting both of you around because I’m still not sure about the other one and I’m making you the fallback option.

No not really that way. I’m just confused but maybe you’d think I’m a big ass jerk. I am, okay, I concede. It’s just that I don’t want to risk it with this other guy and I’m playing safe by keeping you around.

Because the problem is I’ve invested in both and if you’d make me choose which to keep, I wouldn’t be able to  decide. High risk, high returns? I don’t know. Fuck. I don’t know.

After all, I suck at portfolio management. Don’t ask me.

Sigh, I’m sorry.

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