Just because

So let me start this off by saying: I’m not depressed.

After so many things that happened, I’m also wondering why I’m not depressed. I can even laugh this off. Maybe I’m pretending, maybe I’m not. But hey, give me a break, I’ve been crying for the past three (or was it four) days. It feels nice to at least be able to breathe.

No, I didn’t get to fix anything. I’m not sure if I should be happy about me getting used to things. Did I come off stronger? Or just a wee bit more numb than I usually am? Am I managing things better now? Or am I just being oblivious to “small” problems?

* * *

I used to be so proud, having good grades — my classmates envying my exam scores, having no family problems — being able to feel good that I don’t hate my parents like how other kids do, and having a stable relationship with someone. I used to. Well, things change. I change.

My grades are acceptable. Some friends are even impressed, I still have the chance to graduate with Latin honors. Not bad, given that I’m minoring in Math. Well, let me tell you, no. My grades are okay. I don’t fail (I did once in an exam, but that conflict exam was a death sentence, I swear) but that’s not the point. I got used to a life of having extremely good grades, being the best, people hating me for getting such good grades. Nope, not bragging but just so you get a grasp of where I’m coming from. I used to study once I get home, review my notes, expecting for a quiz everyday. I used to balance my training, social life, and acads (of course, sacrificing sleep but that WAS okay) well.

What happened?

After a year in UP, I didn’t appreciate what I was doing. I still doubt my decision but I go with it, not wanting to waste anything. After all, I can still pursue med if I really want to, right? I’m minoring in Math so technically, I’m not letting go of that. But more than having bipolar feelings for Economics, I came to realize all the trade offs of studying. Of course, not studying has trade offs too that’s why I wanted to find what my optimal choice was. Which would give me the highest utility, as we put it in economics?

I need to give time to my family. That’s one. I’d cut class just to try to fix a problem. Or to regain emotional stability. Or to cry it all off.

I need time for myself. Sleep. Rest. Whichever is most achievable. I need to de-stress. Like chilling in the amphitheater with someone. Or playing Monopoly Deal with my brods and sisses. Or having random talks with my orgmates. Or watching random YouTube videos. Or reading a book that’s not econ-related. No, I’m sorry but I can’t always delay myself from gratification.

Of course, I need to fill fulfilled. But where does this come from?

Good academic performance? Sure! As I’ve said, I have an acceptable academic standing. Given that I’d choose sleep over my studies, yep, I think I have acceptable grades.

Great social life? Possibly.

But where exactly?

I say, the one that makes you happy.

So, is it the optimal choice?

Don’t we always boil down to our optimal choice? Or perhaps there’s always a better option but we stick with the present, at least that’s the best thing to do if you don’t want to exert extra effort, right? Yes, yes.

* * *

And just when you thought you’re stable, you break down, see how broken you are, and perhaps, there, you’d figure out what you want to happen…

 

…and what you can do to make it happen.

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