Catharsis 0.005

No idea if I got the count right.

Note: Swear words will be used n times in this post where n is probably greater than 20.

I don’t want to think. I don’t want to analyze what’s going to happen. I don’t want to review what happened before and what lead to this outcome. I hate thinking about all the what ifs. I hate crying just because I don’t know what to do anymore. I hate stressing myself over such things.

I don’t fucking know what to do. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I hate this.

And I thought writing would make me feel better. How could it when the real problem is me not being able to clear and organize my thoughts. Fuck.

I have a clue of course about why this is problematic. But the moment I try to explain it to myself, I stop halfway through. I’d tell myself this is bullshit. You’ll blame him, yourself, your past. Everything. Fucking everything. That’s how it usually is.

I hate this. I hate not being able to arrive at a certain solution. But more than that, I hate thinking that I was able to identify the problem, found a solution¬†and voila, it doesn’t fricking work. The shit you thought would turn things around doesn’t help. At all. Sometimes, it worsens the problem. Ugh good lord, why.

I hate thinking. I hate thinking about these things. It’s not helpful. It’s unhealthy. But guess what, that’s the only way through this mess. Screw it, I’d rather sleep.

No, that’s the problem. I always want to escape solutions. Guess what, life isn’t as fun as solving math problems. Because life doesn’t give you a final answer, distinct or not. It’s not math that you can have multiple solutions and get it right in the end. Fuck no, it’s not like that.

I don’t even want to re-read the conversation that transpired earlier. It was supposed to be enlightening. But I guess I hate confrontations as much as everyone else especially when I get confronted and get my thoughts messed up because, hey, he’s fucking right. And you’d think, and think, and think. And snap.

Useless thinking. UGH WTF THERE’S NO SOLUTION ANYWAY. UGH. Can I just be pessimistic this one time?

Sigh. I hate knowing the problem and not being capable of solving it.

I know what to do. I just don’t know how to.

Frick, I don’t know. I hate this. AHLSJHDFZALHFDFK. FUCK.


I tried to organize my thoughts. I really did.