Fourteen Minutes

Overthinking. When you have nothing to do, you think, overthink, and make yourself sad, or maybe even depressed. Maybe it’s the only way to calm yourself down — which is ironic since you’re stressing yourself even more. Maybe you thought, after thinking about these dilemmas, you’d get yourself an answer, a solution to each, or at least some of them. In the end, you realize you thought wrong.

As much as I want to keep this general, I think it wouldn’t be fair to assume you have the same experience. So let’s talk about me, and how I spend those (more or less) fourteen minutes in bed, before falling asleep.

I always have tons of questions. Like, did I get to do every task today? Or why did I waste my time talking (fighting) with you when I know our conversations never get anywhere? I also have those random thoughts like, why do people who claim to be proud of being LGBT use the word “gay” to certain things? Like when you see your friend using lots of pink flower-y stuff, you’d say, “Man, that’s so gay.” because you were used to seeing the person as tough. I have more personal questions like, why is my trump card always bitching? When all else fails, I bitch around hoping to get what I want. I’ve always wondered why your personality’s like that, or maybe what would have happened if we never met, or if I ended up in a different situation. I always over analyze how would things turn out if I said different words, or if I said something at all. What ifs flood me, as always. What if I say hi to you even if I know you’d pretend I don’t exist? What if I had the guts to tell you how much a jerk I think you are? What if I could perfectly translate how I feel to words I say? What if every single thing was different?

I always have tons of questions in my head. However, very few get their answers. And sometimes, even when they do, situations change. Or maybe I just thought it was the solution. But of course, I thought wrong.