20/20

Warning: Petty boy problem ahead.

I ended up being thankful to have poor eyesight for the first time. Seeing those blurry lights instead of specific words, symbols, and whatsoever made things easier. It was easier not seeing anything for that matter just so I could stop associating everything with that. Now, it’s kind of pointless seeing I’m writing about it again but well, I have to get used to it.

That was his choice, move on.

Nope, anything with the words “move on” would never be easy. It’s like I’m resisiting this huge thing that will never ever be erased from his (well, mine as well) life. Maybe it’s the fact that I need to know and understand everything he went through, his reasons, his opinions, his beliefs. I need to because that’s the only way, I think, for me to “move on”. I’m not quite sure if it’s narrow-mindedness that’s hindering me from accepting this. Well, no. Not narrow-minded. I’m 50% sure he’s not going to get in to any mess because of this. Perhaps, it’s because I feel like there’s this big chunk of his life that I’ll never figure out. Something that would forever be his own world. Something I can’t get into. Something that I would never get involved to. Something that I’d never ever know.

I don’t know. It’s a persisting fact that I keep on resisting. And it’s not helping me at all. I’m not sure if knowing more would make me feel better or worse. I have no idea if his reasons, explanations, and whatnot would suffice the curiosity/jealousy/annoyance I’m feeling.

Jesus, I’ve been feeling down for ages already — interrupted by long infinite moments with him. It’s such a sad view thinking I’m generally sad and only sometimes happy instead of the other way around. But seriously, I’d be fooling myself to think otherwise. Ever since he admitted that, I just can’t stop feeling bad. And now, we’re not talking — making my brain free to visit those thoughts I’ve been avoiding.

I just need to accept that there are things I can’t change.

Advertisements