Preempting

So I originally wrote this, entitling it Midnight Frustrations:

I feel like I’d be disappointing a lot of people.

First and foremost, YOU. Of all people, it’d be you. Because for some goddamned reason, you’re there, and you’ll get to see every mistake I’d make. And I feel extremely bad about how I’m regretting a lot of things already. And then, I’m disappointing myself. For losing focus, for letting simple matters eat me up and keep me occupied that I can’t even study. For having late realizations from the simplest matters like I have an exam tomorrow and I should have spent this weekend studying but I didn’t to why did I let myself on that dare. Shit. I JUST FEEL SO MESSED UP.

And wow, I’ve already told myself I’m going to disappoint you. Wala pa nga, inuunahan ko na. Tangina yan oh.

I was telling myself, you don’t care. You’re insensitive and you won’t say the right words. And I was asking myself why do I always fall for the wrong person. ALWAYS. My bad. So let me eat those words.

***

Despite that, and I know this is ridiculous, but I can’t help but feel bad about all those things which are about to happen. It’s always been (or maybe more often than not) wrong to assume, but how can I not? (This is getting more incoherent but who cares)

You know how sometimes, you just want to express those bottled up feelings? But then, even if you blog to clear your thoughts out, you end up refusing to dwell into them deeper and you end up trying to ignore every single bad thought in your head. And then one day, it’d all come again, unresolved. And you’d ignore it again, try to escape from all these negativity, and then repeat the process.

BULLSHIT.

I warned you, I write for my insomnia.

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