I’ve never paid attention to how I write not until a professor emphasized how legit writers narrate their stories. So let’s just say, despite the difficulty to lift a page from her books, Virginia Woolf was still great. And I do believe she would have made a damn good blogger. HAHAHA.
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I realized, having had those conversations, that I’ve always preferred silence. It’d be ironic for someone to call herself “silent” when she strives to maintain a blog, putting every random thought she has. It may be. But come to think of it, I always have this perception that not everyone lands on this blog, hence I could write anything I want for my sanity’s sake. I prefer to write my thoughts rather than express them out loud because 1) I have always believed that no one would care and 2) I have tendencies of being really harsh when I speak.
I resolved then to blogging. However, it is not always that I have my laptop in front of me and the internet connection (which, fortunately, is working at the very moment). So then, again for sanity’s sake, I have to speak my thoughts. Sometimes, I get lucky enough, I find someone to share my sentiments with despite the questions at the back of my head on how and why does s/he listen to my tomfoolery. Maybe that’s my problem: I always think of my thoughts as nonsense that I’d rather keep them to myself. (True enough, they’re not always nonsensical for me, it’s just that people would rather have shallow conversations which turned out to be “normal”…)
As much as possible, I try to keep my thoughts to myself. I am fully aware that I have the tendency to be a bitch so I’d rather avoid you than talk to you on how shitty I think you are. I’d rather not have a conversation with you than have all those bad thoughts about how annoying you are. Call it fake, I just can’t be frank at things that I know would piss you off. I just do not have the capacity to intenionally make someone feel bad given that I’m not mad at them — just annoyed that I want them to change. Yet again, I can’t say things nicely. (Hence my Comm 3 professor judging me as ballistic).
If I see someone cry and I sincerely do not want to see them feeling all bad about themselves, I’d give them a hug. Sadly, someone who tries to be as outspoken as I am can lack words when faced with situations we can barely define. I always feel like I might say the wrong thing and not cheer the person up at all and just make her feel worse. It sucks. Especially when that someone you want to feel better is someone really dear to you.
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I still owe arguments. Haha. Next time then!
Bonne nuit. :)