An explanation of my behavior last night. HAHA.

NOTE: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON’T CONTINUE READING THE ONE BELOW IF 1) I HAVEN’T NOT REPLIED/ TALKED/REPLIED TO YOU LAST NIGHT AND 2) YOU DON’T NEED MORE SAD SHIT IN YOUR LIFE. All caps for emphasis :)

You have absolutely no idea.

I went online last night, checked my fb, and the first thing I saw was instructions on how to go to Sucat for her cremation. I had no idea what to do and so I opened Word and typed this because I felt like crying and I can’t talk to anyone at the moment because I’m in no proper state.

03.31.12

I can’t even seem to put my emotions in words. I mean, ugh. I feel bad about myself. My mom told me it’d happen and why the fuck did I not do anything. I feel like a mess. And I know you don’t know what I’m talking about but really, it’s not in my space to care about my vagueness. Shit. Why am I such a bad friend? I want to cry and call her but what would I say? I’d tell her, “hey, I’m sorry I wasn’t talking to you because I was busy. Btw, condolence.” Fuck. It’s been months and I know her sister was sick. She had bone cancer for crying out loud. And I was this person who didn’t even give time to talk to her about it when she would message me at around 2 AM in the morning. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. And I feel such a mess. Helpless.

So I’m sorry, I wasn’t there when you felt such a mess when you were always there for me to talk me through. Sorry I can’t even talk to you right now because I don’t know what to say. God, I just want to hug you. I know how much you love your sister. I know you’re trying to show you’re still strong but ugh. I’m sorry I’m such a bad friend. :(

Lord bless her soul. I know she was and will always be loved.

It took me how many hours to get myself together. I can’t even reply to people. The news just caught me off guard. Fuck.

 

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