Expectations.

Pardon the lack of creativity for the title. That’s just what I write when I can’t come up with anything else. And also, forgive the lack of effort I give on maintaining and even cleaning up this blog (and yes, it’s just laziness that I’m not deleting the doubled previous post).

I would have opted not to write given the load of academic work I have to scrap up for the last two weeks of school. However, due to the stress, I decided it’s best for me to let out all those other unnecessary thoughts I have in order to focus. (Which oh good God, I think you shohuld let it happen.)

I was dismissed early yesterday and decided to go back to the tambayan and check if there’s someone there I could have some random conversation with. After forcing my friend to cut class (which now, I’m kind of glad she didn’t when I said she should), I ended up helping in the shooting of a film project for my friends’ class. And so we talked.

The conversation led to our disappointments (was it that?) and mostly to our feelings of the uncertain future of an event we devoted our time and efforts to. There’s no one to blame. I myself admit that I lacked initiative. But still, it’s unforgivable. Someone should have been more responsible. Someone should have asserted everyone to do this and that. Yes, despite the fact that I would have denied what’s obvious, I still (yes, the irony of it) blame someone.

And so these were my thoughts. But hours later, I sort of understood what’s happening and where all these disappointments are coming from. Maybe this is a bad excuse, but it’s all the defense I have for them. I guess it was a big factor that I looked at the events last semester with such awe. They were successful in my opinion. But then, I realized I was the observer. It was a third person’s point of view that I judged what was happening. Now, being really part of it, I could see every flaw in the system. I see the process, not just the result. I now have an idea of what’s successful and what isn’t. To be fair, the people this semester are still testing the water. I shouldn’t have expected a lot.

“I shouldn’t have expected.” Period. Forget the quantity. Let’s just focus on the part that you expected. It is a given fact that often, when one expects, regret or disappointment comes next. Okay, scratch that. I should be putting up a strong argument for my side on why you shouldn’t expect anything from me because on the first place, you were the one who came up with all the judgments about me, right?

(Long rant coming. Brace yourself.)

It’s just sooooooo annoying how I have to be this or that to people. (“Have to be” not meaning I have to conform, but for them to be able to appreciate someone, then I “have to be” this or whatever freaking idea they have for me.) If I say something out of the “ordinary” me, does that make me not me anymore? Okay, that was a total bullshit sentence. Haha. But really, since when has expressing oneself considered as not being yourself at all? I know, I know, people think I’m such a bitch and that I’m so mean and that the only thing I know in life is to edit photos and videos, debate, bitch, and be mean. WHAT THE HECK. If you’re going to reduce my personality to something which is just one percent of the real me, I recommend you shut up now. I mean really, you barely know me and then you’d come up with your identity of me. I know I should not be annoyed since if they really don’t know me, why should I care, right? But if you get it every freaking time, you get tired and pissed and maybe you just have to write about it as well.

It’s just unfair. I mean, why is it that people can’t just shut the hell up about their stereotypes of other people. If I tell you I am mean, but then most of the time, it’s just a joke — that really, I’m not mad or anything of the same effect. Well, I guess it’s my fault that I’m so used at making it look like you piss me off that’s why it has that great impact, but really. Haha. Second is, yes, I admit that I have this huge tendency of getting legit pissed off when I’m talking to someone “stupid”. I won’t define “stupid’ but just grasp the idea that I hate converstations when I have to repeat myself again and again and do a lot of explaining and you’d answer me with the most out of this world things like what question again were you answering type of thing. I don’t have that much patience. (That’s why I bang my fists in the laptop when Adobe After Effects suddenly did “not respond”. Ahjklhfaskdf).

I don’t have a perfect personality. I’ve always told myself, “Gab, why are you such a bitch?” and trust me, I came up with a perfect answer which I could explain to you in more than 7 minutes or more than 10 000 words. Thing is, I just believe in giving people a chance to express themselves. I’ve done a great deal of judgments to other people but then I ended up telling them my impressions about them and listen to their defense. It always turns out that they have a pretty good explanation of that circumstance. I ought you do the same. :)

DISCLAIMER: This post isn’t referring to anyone. It’s just a general statement of people judging people and I felt like having experienced that, and that it would be inappropriate, given the reasons I just wrote above, to use someone other than myself as an example.

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